If you know anything about me, you know I’m incredibly positive.  If a massive storm rolls through town, I look for the rainbow.  If I hit all the red lights, I think, “Well, maybe I just missed an accident, so that’s okay.”.  Some might say I’m too positive, which makes me wonder. Can you be overly positive?  

Well, surprisingly, yes, if the positivity is unwanted or unwarranted.  I’m referring to toxic positivity, which is a belief that no matter how dire or difficult a situation is, people should maintain a positive mindset! That's right, toxic positivity is a real thing, and it can be just as harmful as negativity. In this post, I'll explore what toxic positivity is, how to recognize it, and what to do when someone is exhibiting toxic positivity toward you.  

What is Toxic Positivity? 

Toxic positivity is the idea that we should always maintain a positive attitude, no matter what. It's the belief that if we simply think positive thoughts, everything in our lives will magically fall into place. While positivity can certainly be beneficial, toxic positivity takes it to an unhealthy extreme.

Toxic positivity often involves invalidating or ignoring negative emotions. For example, if someone is going through a difficult time, a toxic positive person might say things like "just be grateful for what you have" or "look on the bright side!".   It can manifest in various forms, such as invalidating someone's negative emotions with statements like "just think positively" or "everything happens for a reason," or minimizing the significance of someone's struggles by saying, "others have it worse."

This attitude can be harmful because it fails to acknowledge the complexity of emotions and experiences, causing individuals to feel isolated and alone in their struggles. While these statements might be well-intentioned, they can make the person feel like their emotions are not valid or that they are not allowed to express anything negative.

It can also lead to pressure to be happy all the time. People who experience negative emotions might feel like they are letting themselves or others down by not being happy or optimistic enough. This pressure can be incredibly damaging, leading to feelings of guilt, shame, and even depression.

It's important to note that positive thinking and optimism have their benefits, but they should not be used to invalidate or ignore negative emotions or experiences. It's okay to acknowledge and express negative emotions and experiences, and it's essential to find a balance between positivity and realism.

In addition, toxic positivity can:

• Create unrealistic expectations: Positivity and optimism can be helpful, but they can also create unrealistic expectations, leading people to believe that they should always be happy, optimistic, or upbeat. This can be harmful because it is impossible to feel positive all the time, and when individuals inevitably experience negative emotions or difficult times, they can feel like failures or that something is wrong with them.

• Prevent people from seeking help: If individuals feel that they are not supposed to experience negative emotions or struggle with difficult experiences, they may feel ashamed or embarrassed to seek help when they need it. This can prevent them from getting the support they need to work through their struggles, leading to more significant mental health issues.

How to Recognize Toxic Positivity

Toxic positivity can be difficult to recognize, especially since it's often disguised as well-intentioned advice or encouragement. However, there are a few signs that might indicate someone is exhibiting toxic positivity: 

• Dismissing negative emotions: If someone consistently dismisses or ignores your negative emotions, it could be a sign of toxic positivity. Instead of validating your feelings, they might try to convince you to "just be positive."

• Minimizing problems: Toxic positivity often involves downplaying the severity of problems. For example, someone might say, "it could be worse" or "just think positive" when you're going through a difficult time.

• Ignoring reality: If someone is always insisting on looking on the bright side, even when there are real problems that need to be addressed, it could be a sign of toxic positivity. Ignoring reality and pretending everything is okay can be damaging in the long run.

• Expecting constant happiness: If someone expects you to be happy all the time and puts pressure on you to always be positive, it could be a sign of toxic positivity. It's important to acknowledge and process negative emotions as well.

If someone is using toxic positivity towards you, it can be helpful to communicate how their behavior is affecting you. Here are some tips for how to do so effectively:

What do I do?

If you're experiencing toxic positivity from someone in your life, it can be frustrating and exhausting. Here are a few strategies for dealing with it:

• Express your emotions: It's important to let the person know how their toxic positivity is affecting you. Be honest about your feelings and how their words or actions are impacting you.

• Be honest and direct: When you talk to the person, be clear and honest about how their behavior is making you feel. Use "I" statements to express how their words or actions impact you, such as "I feel dismissed when you tell me to just think positively."

• Set boundaries: If someone is consistently invalidating your emotions or pressuring you to be positive all the time, it might be necessary to set some boundaries. Let them know what kind of support you need and what is not helpful.

• Seek support elsewhere: If the person is unable or unwilling to provide the support you need, it might be time to seek support elsewhere. Talk to friends, family, or a therapist who can provide validation and understanding.

• Validate their intentions: It's important to acknowledge that the person likely has good intentions and may not realize how their behavior is affecting you. Let them know that you appreciate their positive attitude but that it's not always helpful in every situation.

• Offer alternatives: Suggest alternative ways the person can support you, such as listening without judgment or offering practical solutions rather than simply telling you to be positive.

Remember that communication is key when dealing with toxic positivity. By being honest and direct with the person, you can help them understand why their behavior bothers you and work towards a more supportive and empathetic relationship.