In the realm of human experiences, few emotions are as universal as worry. We fret over what's to come, often allowing our minds to wander into the treacherous territory of "what ifs." Yet, have you ever noticed that the apprehension we build in our minds is often far more consuming than the actual challenges we face?

I recently took a flight where the first announcement from the captain was, “We’re anticipating severe turbulence on our departure, so the seat belt sign will remain on.”! I can’t think of another sentence that will trigger a panic attack in a nervous flyer more than that. 

Was the takeoff bumpy?  Yes!  Did we drop 5000 feet and fly upside down and crash as I expected we would?  No, of course not.  And that’s when I realized that anticipation of what was going to happen was worse than what DID happen.  I was worried about something that hadn’t happened, and if I had used my logic, I would have realized it was not likely to have happened!

It's as if we're gifted with the extraordinary ability to borrow worry – to take on concerns and anxieties that aren't inherently ours. This tendency to let our thoughts race ahead, imagining worst-case scenarios and stewing over what others might think of us, can be particularly taxing for those on a journey to cultivate confidence and self-esteem.

So, why do we embrace this borrowed worry with open arms?

Let’s dive into the intricacies of this phenomenon, uncover its roots, and explore how we can reclaim control over our thoughts and build a foundation of unshakeable self-assurance.

Please note: many of the causes of borrowing worry are rooted in various types of anxiety disorders.  If your level of anxiety is preventing you from living your life and reaching your goal, please reach out to a professional.  The American Psychological Association has some recommendations on how to find the right person for you! Check out their resources here.

The Psychology of Anticipatory Anxiety

I was unfamiliar with this term until I started researching for this blog. As someone with extreme anxiety disorder, I thought I knew all about it. I was wrong. 

Anticipatory anxiety is a common psychological phenomenon where we experience anxiety and stress in anticipation of future events, even if those events are relatively minor or uncertain. Our minds tend to focus on potential negative outcomes, blowing them out of proportion and creating a sense of dread.

In the context of my airplane turbulence example, the anxiety I felt before the flight was much more intense than the actual turbulence experienced. This phenomenon illustrates how our minds tend to amplify potential threats, making the anticipation worse than reality.

The Social Anxiety Factor

Worrying about what others might think of us is rooted in social anxiety. This is especially relevant for women.  Why? Society often places unrealistic expectations and standards on women's appearances, behaviors, and choices.

As a result, many of us may find ourselves constantly worrying about meeting these expectations, fearing judgment and criticism. This form of borrowed worry can be paralyzing and hinder personal growth. It can stand in the way of building our confidence and reaching our goals. 

Imagine you’re in a meeting, and you’ve been asked to present in front of a group of senior leaders.   Just by virtue of being asked, your palms begin to sweat, your heart rate goes up, and your mind immediately goes blank. Then, you share your ideas to rave reviews!

All that worry for nothing!

Breaking Down the 'Fear of Judgment'

The "fear of judgment" refers to the apprehension of being negatively evaluated by others. This fear can stem from a desire for acceptance, belonging, and validation--all desires that are hard-wired into our very being!

However, the truth is that people are generally more focused on their own lives than on scrutinizing others. We believe others are paying more attention to us than they actually are. But the hard truth is that people just don’t think about us as much as we think they do. 

The Confidence Dilemma

Borrowing worry is counterproductive when it comes to building confidence and self-esteem. Constantly worrying about what others think can lead to a cycle of self-doubt, where individuals become hesitant to take risks or pursue their passions. Confidence is nurtured through self-assurance and self-belief, not through seeking external validation. When we break free from the grip of borrowed worry, we create space for personal growth and empowerment.

Strategies to Overcome Borrowed Worry:

The big question in your mind is probably, “So what do I do?”.  If you recognized yourself in any of the examples, read on.

Building Self-Awareness: The first step is building self-awareness. It’s difficult to overcome borrowed worry if you don’t know that you do it. The next time you find yourself worrying about something, stop, take a breath, observe what’s going on, and think about whether this is something to be concerned about legitimately, for example, a runaway freight train heading towards you or if you are worried about something that has not happened or you don’t know for sure that it will help.

Journaling can help you become more aware of your triggers for borrowed worry. By keeping track of when this tends to happen, you can learn to recognize it and break the cycle of excessive worry.

Mindfulness Techniques: Another helpful technique is to practice mindfulness, which involves staying present and fully engaged in the current moment. Mindfulness can help redirect anxious thoughts away from imagined future scenarios and bring focus back to reality.  The key is to observe the present moment as it is.  You’re not trying to quiet your mind; you’re aiming to pay attention to the present moment. 

During my turbulent flight, I practiced mindfulness by taking deep breaths and focusing on what was happening around me.  I could see the flight attendants from where I was sitting, and while they were strapped in, they were happily chatting with no concern in their expressions.  I realized if they weren't worried, why should I be?  I also focused on breathing and releasing the tension in my body (that I didn’t even know I had!).

Focusing on Self-Acceptance: I cannot over-emphasize the importance of self-acceptance and self-compassion. I encourage you to embrace your strengths, imperfections, and uniqueness. When we value ourselves for who we are, we become less reliant on external validation.

Conclusion:

In the grand tapestry of life, the threads of borrowed worry may seem inseparable from our existence. Yet, as we've looked at this phenomenon, it becomes evident that we possess the power to untangle these threads and set ourselves free.

The anticipation we indulge in is often more potent than the realities we face, and the fear of judgment, while palpable, is often more self-imposed than real. As we navigate the path toward confidence and self-esteem, let's remember that the opinions of others hold no dominion over our worth.

You are enough!