Picture this: You’re driving to work, and someone cuts you off.  You slam on your brakes, your coffee goes flying, and you give the other driver a single-fingered salute. They go on about their merry little way.  Meanwhile, you’re angry.  Like massively PO’d angry.  You get to the office and tell anyone who will give you three minutes about the jerk who made you so mad. 

But guess what?  They didn’t MAKE you mad.  They probably never saw you and, in fact, don’t even know of your existence.  The truth is you made yourself mad.   WHAT? Yep, we are conditioned to react a certain way to an event based on a number of different factors.  Maybe you had a parent or guardian who did that when you were learning to drive.  Perhaps you’ve seen it in enough movies that you’ve wired your brain to believe that’s how you’re supposed to respond.

Life is full of ups and downs; sometimes, it feels like we're drowning in a sea of problems. But here's the thing - we have the power to make our own decisions when faced with adversity. Yes, you read that right! We don't have to feel helpless and overwhelmed all the time. We have the power to choose our actions and reactions when something happens. 

How? Let's start with Psych101 and something called classical conditioning. Ivan Pavlov, a 19th-century scientist, discovered that we could learn to associate a response with a particular stimulus.  But unlike a dog, we have the gift of being able to CHOOSE how we react to a particular stimulus.  I don’t HAVE to flip off the uncourteous driver, and we don’t HAVE to let them make us mad.  We’re choosing to allow it.  Instead, I could choose to allow him in, or I choose to believe they're late for an important interview. The key here isn’t what you decide to do; it’s the fact that you decide how to respond.

In his book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey talks about stimulus-response. He shares that we can choose how we respond to any situation. We're not just reacting to our environment; we're in control of how we react. Covey said, “Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space lies our freedom and power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our happiness.”

Often, when I've shared this with concept clients in coaching sessions, they become angry and defensive.  They’ll say things to me like, “I don’t have a choice but to be unhappy.  I live with an unhappy person.” Or “I have no choice but to stay in a job I hate.  The money’s too good.”  The truth is, you always have a choice. 

 So, how do we do this?

The key here is that between any stimulus (an event that evokes a specific reaction), and the way we respond, there is a moment where we have the freedom to choose how we respond.   This freedom to choose is where all the magic happens.  In order to successfully choose a response that is healthier, you need to have the self-awareness to recognize a) you have a choice, b) understand what in the event is triggering this response, and c) how you can respond differently.

One of the simplest ways to do this is to start paying attention to your language.  Saying phrases like “I have to…”, “I need to…”, “I have no choice”, and other such phrases keeps you in victim mode.  For example, I’m writing this on the day that taxes are due in the United States.  Now, the truth of the matter is, I do have a choice.  I can either pay my taxes, or I can ignore them.  One keeps me in business, and one might eventually send me to prison.  Therefore, I CHOOSE to pay my taxes and may even go so far as to say I’m fortunate to get to do it.  The fact that I’m paying taxes means I’ve made enough money.

Here are some more examples of things we say that keep us in victim mode, and how we might rephrase them.  

This is such an important concept, especially for those of us dealing with imposter syndrome.

Imposter syndrome is that feeling of not belonging or not being good enough. It's so common, but it doesn't have to be our reality. One way to overcome it is to focus on our strengths. Rather than choose to say, "I can't be successful on that project. I don't have all the skills", you might reframe it as, "I don't have all the skills I need, but can learn them so I can be successful.". We all have something unique to offer, so why not focus on that? It's also helpful to change our mindset from thinking of ourselves as imposters to thinking of ourselves as learners. We're not expected to know everything, but we're willing to learn and grow.

If we want to make our own decisions when confronted with adversity, we need to build our confidence. When we take action, we're proving to ourselves that we're capable and competent. That's a huge confidence booster! We can also practice positive self-talk. Instead of beating ourselves up, let's focus on our achievements and remind ourselves of what we're capable of.

In a nutshell, we have the power to make our own decisions when confronted with adversity. It takes practice and a change in mindset, but it's doable.Let's take control of our lives and start making our own decisions.

Remember that driver that cut you off?  Stop, take a breath, observe what’s going on, and plan another approach.  Who knows, maybe they delayed you just enough to prevent you from being in an accident.